cancer SUX

Dec 2012- The below was posted from in June, and guess what I am still alive, kicking and making waves.. Guess what Dr.'s don't know EVERYTHING, no-one has my time to die except the Big G himself. Granted, I am tired, I am acheing, somedays it's all I can do to get out of bed.. but I do it and I am grateful everyday..

 

JUNE 2012-

Some of you have all ready seen this, some of you are finding out the update now.. I wanted to let you know so if you had questions, thoughts comments, I can take it and I won’t break down on you. (well I still have the select few that don’t have that option) and I will be posting a briefer synopsis for my family and friends over the weekend on F/B.. or I just may post this exact thing and call it a day… or want to talk about me, I am OK with it. But just don’t get al SILENT when I walk BY….

Over the last 3 weeks, I started the first of 3 radiation treatments and I haven’t done my best at keeping everything at bay, and so much has been going on, in the past week I don’t really know where to begin and having email, gives me the opportunity not have to face you, so you can see how tweaked I am ….

Dr. Ahmed, Dr. Wetmore and the oncology dept. at mayo & St Lukes all have been on alert since I did my first treatment.. Any adverse effects and to the hospital I was to go… Cyberknife institute did an amazing job and were wonderful on both occasions.. THANKFULLY, I did ok with the FIRST one, a minor reaction, and the precautionary measures in medications worked in the beginning.. Unfortunately though, treatment number two, well there was no controlling it... After Wed’s(2/1) treatment I steadily got worse from Wed night through out the weekend, which included a trip to the ER on Sat (2/4) evening, he had all ready called in medication, for Prednisone and Benadryl, just the dosages weren’t high enough….. I needed a little more help then even they first realized.. Did decent Sunday & Monday, but my body started having a series of adverse reactions Tuesday & by Thursday to end up back in the ER…5 new scripts, we now have them completely under control (it took the ER- Dr.Woodrow (yes really) Dr. Apostle (Dr. Ahmed’s partner) & Dr. Wetmore to get me there with out having to admit me last week..

I AM finally ok, and even though I am technically not out of the woods just yet as we won’t know for another two weeks if it caused any adverse reactions anywhere else.. Like will my skin turn yellow, or will I start glowing… if I go through an airport scanner will I develop supersonic powers of awesomeness. Scary yes, a lot to take in, yes, but again, the jest, is Radiation was our best shot, and we had to try it.Radiation treatment number 3 is a no go. I mean Dr. Wetmore and Dr. Ahmed are not happy in the least, but it’s kind of funny to hear them. All they wanted was for me to do the radiation, and now they don’t want me to ever get near a machine that emits radiation. Such hilarity, and I am glad I can laugh of the conversation from Friday evening; I am so blessed with amazing, caring doctors. I don’t know what I would have done with out them. Most of the preliminary tests I had done last week officially let me know that I did NOT hit 35% hell I didn’t even make the 30% mark..... You may think this is the worst news I have ever had, ok and I won’t lie, it killed me, a part of me is unbearably broken, yet there is another part of me is finally liberated. Everything we did, kept it from GROWING, but on the other side there hasn’t been any decrease either…We will continue to tweak the medicines.. (Insert WOOT WOOT/yeah yeah/HOLLA here)

In 6 weeks, on march 26^th, I will go in for another Bone Biopsy and you heard the FIRST STORY about it, I am sure you can imagine how freaking happy I am that another one is COMING, but at least I am well prepared for it so I can move to Mexico and change my name to something crazy…… Depending on what that shows us, is whether or not I will do a second 4 week Chemo intravenously. If it has gotten larger, I will, if it hasn’t I won’t.

I am NOT OK in anyway shape or form, but I WILL BE….Please remember,I am still here and so many people are facing such bigger hurdles than me…. And hell my Dr.’s are stupid, because they almost killed me, last week, YET here I am.. What this means is all treatment will stop, except them tweaking my current medications to keep my body off balance enough to get me through until we can redo the biopsy. We all knew going in that with Bone cancer, heck any cancer the Dr.’s can only give you the numbers by what they know. Past history of other patients, but THEY Don’t KNOW… I have amazing support in family & friends and I really am going to be OK. I am not going to say over the next few weeks, I won’t freak out once or twice but mostly I have the utmost faith in God.. He has a plan for my life and no one can tell me any different

I know it’s a lot to handle; it’s a lot for anyone to know, think about, or even have to deal with. Shocked, frustrated are you, well, I am too, no that’s not true, I always had a knowledge that this was a last ditch effort on Dr. Ahmed’s part. He has been the best oncologist since my first meeting with him over 16 years ago. I feel like all I have done since I was 20 is fight to stay alive. Dr. Wetmore has only been involved in the last 11 years. I don’t think either of them realizes how much they have my utmost respect and love. Through 3 reproductive specialists, Dr. Martin, Dr. Carr all of them have had my best interests at heart. Each of them here, yelling pulling for me, staring me down and just the most amazing, and seriously through all miscarriage, hysterectomy, battles of depression, they’ve watched me grow up/act childish/be strong and break.. Knowing that this would be my last chance to eradicate Cancer from my body, I did it for them. Not just ya’ll and my babies.. But I had to show them that I could fight one more time, and if I did EVERYTHING they asked of me, when it comes time for me to say enough, I can do it without regret.

Most of everyone, believed that this time it would work, and was chilling out in “DeNile”- and no not the river in Egypt… It's WAS NEVER denial, it’s called HOPE, and I am blessed and loved, and it can not take away the hope that maybe one day in the next few years, a new treatment will come along because of everything I went through and it can help not just me but others who have ovarian cancer, Cervical Cancer.. If one treatment I did, one strain of my cells that is sitting in a storage somewhere when the right dr./ the right student comes along and says DAMN look what we can do now.. Then I did enough. I truly believe that one day; someone else will be cured from everything I have been through.

Honestly, I am more scared now, because it’s a waiting game for me. For the first time I don’t have anything to do, I don’t have anything to worry about, except where do I go now. There is so much guilt when I see my loved ones suffering a worse fate then me. Why hasn’t mine, what treatment did I do or that I was exposed to, that it hasn’t went into my liver/or kidneys or somewhere where there is no stopping it Because I am still active, maybe it’s our outlook, maybe it’s because so much has all ready been taken from me. I have lost so much in my life, but I am STILL here. So just remember, there are so many more battles left for each of us to fight, and by no means am I falling out anytime soon. It just means that as of now, we live our life and go on as if everything is OK, because I AM. If I hadn’t been hit by a softball back in Sept, we wouldn’t have found it and this could be a whole different scenario. BUT I was, we did, and we’re OK…..

xo lovies
PS I miss you every day, my heart and soul is with you... never doubt that the miles may separate us, but I am WITH you